Interstellar: On Board the Normandy
by Miranda le Ginger
Summary: Snippets into the thoughts and minds of the characters of Mass Effect. A wide assortment of subjects and pairings on board everyone's favorite ship. Ratings will vary as well but will stick to a mostly "T" rating. Note: If you have a character or idea you want done, tell me in a review or PM and I shall make it happen.
1. Guilt Soaked in Absinthe

Disclaimer: I, Miranda of the lowly GingerClan do solemnly swear that I am in no way profiting on this story other than my own amusement. I also do not own any of the characters portrayed, although the different Shepard variations are my own. But they ain't paying my bills. (That is what my original works shall do…hopefully).

1.

He blamed her. Gunnery Chief Williams would still be alive if only Shepard had listened to him. Kaidan had all but pleaded for the woman to be spared, and what had the commander done? Fucking saved his pathetic ass instead. A good soldier died, and he was left to pull the pieces together when his life was in shambles around him.

The alcohol burned down his throat, the harsh bite of the whiskey stinging as the liquid coursed down his windpipe. Kaidan could not forget Ashley's crisp affirmative as she was told of her fate. Ashley knew if she was left to guard the bomb, she would not make it out alive. Shepard was good but she was no God. The Gunnery Chief was nothing more than another casualty of war, a sacrifice just like Jenkins. She would never put her family's name on the map, never get to taste that glory that evaded her. And it was all Shepard's fault.

Kaidan would not admit it out loud, but he blamed himself too. Even though she loved Liara, Vigilance still managed to save him. Kaidan had admittedly caused some tension in the relationship and, as a result, nearly caused a rift in the dynamic of their team. The biotic was a weak link, and yet Vigilance had still spared him when Ashley was the more viable option; the safe option. Ash would not threaten her tenuous grip on what romance she could glean in the middle of a war and he knew the women were close. He would never again be that close to Shepard, not when he selfishly put his heart on the line when he knew the love she harbored for the shy asari scientist. Kaidan thought he stood a chance, did not think a mere alien female could beat his masculinity and naked admiration. But he was wrong. He always seemed to be wrong.

He could play the blame game all he wanted, pointing fingers at every damn crewmember to relieve the agonizing guilt that settled in the pit of his stomach, burning like acid. The bile rising up his throat when he thought of soft brown eyes and a bright smile filled with a thousand promises and oaths, a veritable galaxy filled with shining stars. Shepard was not the one to be placed at fault as it was he whose hands were stained with the Williams blood. Kaidan had loved Ashley too, in a way. The soldier had been so obsessed with Shepard, too preoccupied with a love that would never go anywhere that he missed an amazing girl who had so much potential, so much love to give. He squandered it all away in his obliviousness.

Kaidan could still hear Ashley's sisters screaming and crying from the holo as Shepard, with face grim and eyes burning with pain, called to break the news. The broken family had been shattered further, the pieces scattered on the winds never to be pieced together again. Ash was the glue that held the William's line together and that glue had been dissolved with one single decision. One life saved, one life snuffed.

How could he look them in the eyes? How could he even say sorry when the words sounded bitter to his own ears? Sorry was a mere shadow of what her loss truly was and no false pretenses or meaningless platitudes would make this alright. All Kaidan could do was drown his guilt in a bottle and try to keep his self-hatred from destroying what was left of his sanity. Still, no matter how much he drank he could not forget her blood on his hands or how much he wished he had not fallen for Vigilance Shepard.


	2. If Only to Forget

At one time, he could have actually loved Vigilance Shepard. His crush never really gained momentum as he was shot down in its early stages; Kaidan was enough of a gentleman to realize he would never beat the beautiful asari with awkward mannerisms and big blue eyes. It was a blow to the pride and his ego certainly smarted for a week or two as he sent longing glances at the commander that remained unseen. But he soon got over and the professionalism remained untampered between the two soldiers. They were still friends; maybe not the best (they certainly would never braid each other's hair or sip tea together) but when it came to strategizing or drooling over equipment, they could count on the other.

After nearly three years, Kaidan had just about forgotten his previous feelings. The events of Virmire had strained things towards the end but after her near death, Kaidan let go of any ill feelings. Shepard's involvement with Cerberus following her resurrection had cooled even the friendship they had tentatively re-established following her rejection of him. He was suspicious of her actions when she was released from prison and it nearly ruined what was left of their partnership. Honestly, a part of him would always wonder if Vigilance was still the famous commander everyone remembered her as. After all, she had a new haircut, litany of scars, and personality. The warmth in her eyes had hardened over. It was like she switched personalities with that Cerberus woman, that Lawson chick. Kaidan could almost understand. He had not realized his burgeoning feelings for Ashley until it was too late and he could never quite forgive himself for her death.

Vigilance had it almost worse. Ashley died before she knew Kaidan's feelings but, as he learned later, the Gunnery Chief had developed feelings for him. A relationship was inevitable if destiny did not snatch his chance away. But for Shepard, her love had abandoned her. Liara supposedly still harbored feelings for the hero but refused to give in as "too much time had passed." To Kaidan, this sounded like a piss-poor excuse. If you loved someone, you should hold onto them lest you regret it. He knew Shepard was taking it hard, could see it in her amber eyes and the crinkles of her smile, as fake as Saren's alibi way back when.

But, when Shepard's head was between his thighs and her mouth was unzipping his trousers, Kaidan had no room for guilt or sympathy. They both knew what they were getting into, knew that there was no going back for a re-do. This was not love, not even a pale imitation. Kaidan still felt Ash in his heart, and Shepard…well, her heart was just barely scabbed over after Liara's callous dismissal. Kaidan had. At first, felt the tang of bitterness on his tongue. Eventually Liara would leave this new persona of hers behind, go back to the meek little archeologist she was before and fall back into her commander's arms. And the major…he would be left with nothing. But now he was not so sure. Vigilance was never the type of woman to cheat, even though Kaidan guessed what they were doing no longer counted as cheating when his soulmate was blown to bits and Liara was the reigning ice queen. He had never particularly liked her anyway.

In a way, Kaidan almost felt proud. The sentinel had lost out on Shepard's heart all those years ago only to now have said commanding officer about to take him in her mouth. Not exactly what he had pictured back then but who was he to complain? Alenko had not exactly been celibate after the Normandy was lost the first time. There had been a few women, all beautiful and bland and faceless. They were nice and eased his pain for a night only to be released when the morning came. Their feelings were never hurt; they were just using him for a physical release too. The handsome, charming soldier who had saved the galaxy from Saren alongside Commander Shepard. He could have practically any woman he wanted, only they weren't even close. He was not desperately in need of human contact but if Vigilance was giving him a shot to live out an old dream of his, however fleeting, he would not hold her back.

He could fall in love with Commander Vigilance Shepard.

But, he wouldn't.


End file.
